Sunday Stories - 31 January 2021

Sunday Stories - articles, books, podcasts - what stories I am intrigued by and how they relate to me.

The beauty and beastly of the human experience is we each individually, and then collectively as we navigate the tribe(s) we are born into and the tribe(s) we adopt, are always a work-in-progress. We have our polished and shiny light-bright sides, and we have our dark and tarnished shadow sides. Finding the way with a recognition, an understanding, and even, perhaps, an appreciation is a foundation. A friend and mentor (looking at you, Sparrowe) said to me, in a recent conversation, that when I first published All The Beautiful Messy Bits that it struck her as my aspiration. I have thought about that conversation quite a few times over the 10 days or so since it happened. Gosh darn it - she is so right.

I knew, when the words and phrase came together, that I am uncomfortable in chaos and messes. Even though my childhood bedroom was referred to as The Swamp (a la the TV show M*A*S*H*) and, for most of my adult life, I haven’t made the bed in the morning, organization, logic, and structure are innate to my thinking and orientation to the external world. I have ways that I manage in crowded situations, which usually involve a focused breath and single point of concentration in my mind - the destination after the crowd - OR time to mentally prepare myself knowing what situation I am subjecting myself to. I naturally create order - it is what makes me strong in my professional work. I can do all of these things - and often pretty well. I, from the outside, am a pretty put-together woman.

The inner realm is quite the opposite. In my notebook, I’ve been writing lately to try and recall when the negative self-talk and voice in my head became so critical. No where is the talk so focused as on my body. I am not now and never likely will be the ideal size 4 or 6 (if anyone would ever consider this to be ideal). 2020 was both the year of COVID and the year I turned 40. Hormones undoubtedly changing as pre-menopause and menopause are on the horizon, and I halted my 2 - 3 times per week HIIT classes to maintain distancing. I wish I could say I have been good about workouts in the garage with the borrowed equipment and exercise bands I acquired. I haven’t been. (Sorry Kelly - I miss you and the RevFit crew). I have been walking - using the hour or so after I wake weekday mornings and then carving time with D and Kali on the weekends - to lace up my brightly colored sneakers and take to the bike path. This doesn’t make up for overall less movement being home and the increased cooking I have done.

I love food and cooking. I have long tried to strike a balance of healthy and “cheats”. I miss entertaining and shared meals, but do appreciate D and I are able to eat dinner together every night.

I weighed in at my heaviest when I went for my annual physical at the end of 2020. I know, in my heart of hearts, there is repair work to do with my orientation to food and my thought patterns about my body. It is not as easy as “it is not about the weight or the BMI”. Numerically, my biometrics are all in the preferred / desired ranges. But that doesn’t mean I feel good about the image that looks back at me in the mirror. So this is the work for me next - discovery about finding appreciation and health (of all kinds) in this body.

As a start, I am writing about it so more to come. As another start, I have initiated a series of appointments with a RDN whose practice focuses on intuitive eating. I’m only 1 visit in and the book the philosophy is based on arrived from the bookstore just yesterday. Nonetheless - one bit at a time - here I go.